My first day without a drink

February 4, 2012 is my sobriety date. I've encountered some controversy over whether this day counts as my first day sober because there was no way I was legally sober on that date. But I didn't drink despite the immense hangover and the emotional turbulence from just getting out of jail, and as difficult as that was I earned that fucking day. This first day without a drink was especially hard because I had never tried to stop drinking. A few weeks before my sobriety date I blacked out and subsequently blacked back in with my wife throwing a tv and screaming at me so I decided to take a week off from drinking. And to reward myself for making it 7 entire days without drinking I got hammered. That was my only experience in not drinking to avoid consequences and I knew that getting arrested was not going to be as easy to diminish. I knew that I had to stop indefinitely.

A big part of why I initially stopped drinking was to diminish the consequences and back lash that was sure to come as a result of my arrest. For this alcoholic, nothing was more terrifying than being called on my bullshit. For anyone to question me was a sign that they were getting a glimpse behind the mask and if they saw what I was hiding they would start thinking of me in the same way I thought of myself. They would see the inconsiderate, inadequate emotionally stunted human that I am. And I didn't love me. I didn't really like me. And surely neither would they. I disliked myself so much that I looked down upon anyone who did like me. I thought of them as entirely inferior because clearly they weren't privy to the reality of anything. If they could buy my shoddy act they could be suckered into anything.

Inversely, I needed these people. I couldn't love myself so I tried to use the affection of others to fill that hole that was in me. And no one could. So instead of looking inside of myself for the answer I collected people. I searched for the person who would be the missing piece. I figured eventually someone, the right one, would come along and fix me. The unconditional and unwavering affection of my wife wasn't enough. So I would transform myself into whomever I thought you wanted me to be. If I gave you the altered version of me then maybe you'd become the person I so desperately needed. If I got your seal of approval then maybe I was a worthwhile person. But I didn't give anyone who loved me's opinion any credibility because if they loved me something was wrong with them. It's strange how when I was in that ever spinning cycle of approval and disapproval the insanity of my process was completely unbeknownst to me, and with only four months of clarity and sobriety it is so obvious. But I relied on the affection of others to temporarily satisfy my thirst for self-esteem, using people up, and then discarding them with no regard.

I wanted my wife and my employer to know that I comprehended the severity of the situation and that I was essentially punishing myself so that they didn't have to. I wanted them to beleive that I was beaten up enough about it. I wanted to extinguish the fire I had started before it burnt my life to the ground. But there was also a part of me that was aware that if I continued drinking the way that I was that things would get worse. That this would be my first DUI but not my only. That I would continue to blackout and that I very well could put myself in worse situations. That I had been lucky enough not to hurt anyone this time, but maybe not the next. I knew that something had to change, and because alcohol was clearly the reason I was in this situation, the only feasible solution was to eliminate alcohol.

So as I waited outside of jail to be picked up I thought about what I should say in order to evoke sympathy as opposed to disappointment. I had always thought that I was made of teflon, so nothing could stick to me, and although this DUI was clearly the exception, I could still manipulate the people that I had let down into feeling and thinking the way I wanted them to. Their anger and contempt couldn't stick to me. So I held back my tears until my wife was arrived so that my feelings could serve a purpose. The idea of having emotions without ulterior motives was a foreign concept to me. My feelings had to serve me in order for me to acknowledge them. And this day was no different.

As soon as she pulled up I let the tears flow and hit every point I thought she would hit upon before she could. I made my oath to not drink. Stated all of the reasons I thought she would use to tell me I needed to stop drinking. I stated a plan of action. I apologized profusely. I denigrated myself so she didn't have to. And although I was saying all of these things to save face, they were all true. This was the first time I said real things in recent recollection. And I meant them, which surprised the shit out of me. I thought that I was so good at my bullshit that I was fooling myself. I was so unfamiliar with the concept of unadulterated honesty that I didn't know that I was having my first moment of clarity. For a drunk master of manipulation all of this was so uncomfortably alarming. I felt so raw and vulnerable. And now I didn't have alcohol to lull these thoughts away. I had just sworn to eliminate the only tool I had and yet I somehow had to figure out how to reassemble myself. The most difficult part was that I was coming to realize that I was a total loss. I was not going to be a quick fix. I had to start to rebuild myself from the ground up. Without my only tool.